No Pain Please

I took a break from machines and gadgets yesterday and went to the beach instead. I did my baby boogie-boarding for about 45 minutes. Baby boogie-boarding, for those of you who don't know, is what I call the easy kind I do these days. Not the swim out into shark-infested waters and ride waves of 6-8 feet of my younger years, but the push my board out past the little shore waves, alternate kicking around, floating, a little jumping over waves, and keeping my eyes peeled for something big enough to ride. All in water where I can stand up.

A few years ago I rediscovered the joy of riding waves and for a while I went almost every day, sometimes twice a day. In the process I lost about 35 pounds and felt great! The pic I have posted here is from those days. Also in that process I broke a rib, and then pulled the tendons in both elbows because I wouldn't give it up and was compensating with my arms because I couldn't lie flat on my board. Things went downhill from that point on. After surgery I was afraid I'd injure myself again, I was angry that I couldn't do what I loved doing, so refused to try any new form of exercise, and began packing the weight back on. Which eventually has brought me to this fat state of affairs.

But, this is about the journey towards fitness again. I have to remind myself over and over to not beat myself up over poor choices in the past, because when I do that I become paralyzed. Literally. I get stuck in that frame of mind and do nothing. Absolutely zero zilch nada nothing good for myself. Sooooooo.......yesterday I went boogie-boarding, and today I got a fitness assessment from a trainer at the gym.

I'm not sure what to think about it. She told me my weight (200.6 lbs), and my Yikes! BMI. She said it was 42, but every calculator I have used says it is 33 or so. Not sure where the difference lies, but whichever is correct, it is still in the obese category. How sad is that???!!!! She also focused a lot on the state of my joints. I'm not sure if that is because when I filled out some forms I truthfully mentioned both my past elbow injuries as well as the sometimes soreness I experience in my knees. I figured, WTH, I'm overweight, I'm getting up there in years, of course some of my joints hurt.

Well, that soreness is nothing compared to the pain she put me through! She had me lie down and rest the outer side of my leg on this hard foam tube while bending the other leg, while resting the rest of my weight on my elbow (Um, did she not hear me that my elbows are BAD??!!). Frickin' shots of red hot stabbing pain!!! and then slowly roll down a couple of inches and hold it, etc. etc. *DANGER! DANGER!!* #TOO MUCH PAIN! TOO MUCH PAIN!# *ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!!* *NOW!! DO IT NOW!!!* And then made me do the same thing with the other leg. And each time she asked me how it felt and I said it hurt, she said "Good," in this soft little happy voice. Then I did the same thing with my inner thighs.

She gave me some story about my fascia needing to be loosened up and how I should do this every day. Yeah, right!!! When I decide to start wearing a full leather head mask, pierce both my nipples and connect them with a too short chain with little barbs on it, I will add this to my daily regimen. Okay, I found demonstrations of it here http://www.thesealquest.com/myorelease.htm and here http://www.t-nation.com/readTopic.do?id=475832. Notice that the first site is for men who want to become Navy SEALs, the second is on a site called Testoterone Nation. Nuff said? I just did some looking and found this exercise that does the same thing. http://www.easyvigour.net.nz/fitness/h_TFL_StrSt.htm Now that I might be able to handle. I like the sound of this site, "easy vigor". Easy vigor I can definitely embrace. I definitely do not, and never have, belonged to the "No Pain, No Gain" Fun Club.

The one good thing we did was she showed me how to use the elliptical machine. Of course, little sadist that she is, she had me using it at an "average" pace and resistance. Maybe she wasn't listening to me, either, when I told her I hadn't done much exercise for quite sometime. You should have seen the cute little grin she had when she said, "We'll set it at ten minutes, but of course we won't do the whole time." She said we didn't have time today to show me how to use some of the machines I was curious about, but we did have time for her to try to sell me additional sessions. I thanked her politely for her time today, declined further sessions with a promise to keep in touch, and walked out feeling nauseous.

It's two hours later now and I think I'm going to go back and get a little cardio workout in - my pace, my way, without pain, maybe just a little bit of strain, and hopefully eventually some gain.

Back again from my playground (that has a nice fun ring to it. Maybe I'll believe it one of these days. Sounds much better than torture chamber). Actually, that should have been some loss up above. That IS what I'm going for, after all. Okay, I listened to the trainer and did the elliptical machine first. Set it on 7/20 difficulty level for 5 minutes. 31 calories burned (add the 17 from earlier). Then 12 minutes on the bike, 4 min/mile, 7-10/20 difficulty level. Sheesh, some people can run faster than that! Another 78 calories burned. I'm sure after a while I will be less focused on calories than other measures, but for now it is something I can increase day by day. 128 calories burned today!

My heart rate was hanging around 150-157, a little higher than recommended on the machines (140-149), but right about what I calculated from a site Michelle sent me to. It said start at 220 and subtract your age. Originally I thought it said subtract your weight, which would have made my target heart rate 20. I thought, "Hmm, Wouldn't you have to be almost dead to have that rate??!!" But, I figured it out, and it looks like I should be aiming for around 160-165. So, I learned a few things today. 1) How to use the elliptical torturer, I mean trainer, 2) just because a trainer is little and cute doesn't mean they are nice and sweet, in fact maybe just the opposite, 3) nobody can agree on numbers, 4) how to post links here, 5) there are more ways than one to make a person scream for mercy, as well as to stretch their TFL, and, oh!, 6) what a TFL IS! That plus the 128 calories burned makes this a good day so far.